Letters From Her : Part 1

I don't know how I should begin. Well, beginnings are overrated anyway. They're these short little distractions which are bound to eventually disintegrate into the vastness of the main story. They are powerful, yes, but then, their impacts are certainly short lived, and volatile. Like a beautiful sultry dusk that suddenly becomes a remote past amidst the length of the night. They become a lost cause, and forgotten, maybe. Yet, ironically, my interpretation of "a beginning", turned out to be, in itself, a different beginning. Probably, this "beginning" part is unavoidable, and evidently not as redundant as I thought it were.

I don't have a particular clue about the motive behind this letter, or why I should be thinking about writing this in the first place. I have always been vocal. I've never been hesitant in showing my objections, my anguish, my annoyance, and all of the irksome side of my character. You could tell how I was feeling just from a few words I said. I am clearly not an introvert. It’s just that my way of expressing joy is unconventional. Maybe I dither. May be I lack these orthodox expressions that can be read by people with ease. Maybe I don't feel the urge to explode whenever I am at my lowest or fly when I am at the highest of my highs. It's just a path I chose since I became capable of handling my senses, when I became aware of all those expressions that matured inside me. I have anger all over me, but there's no such thing as wrath that dwells in my soul. My heart is neither cold nor exclusively compassionate. It's just I tend to pacify events and their impacts and move on as soon as I can. I have this fear of getting stuck, which would ultimately avalanche me with restlessness. I don't think I am "programmed" to operate that way. That wouldn't be me.

I might have made you feel inadequate at times. I might have made you feel repulsive, or annoying about yourself. I might have indirectly forced you to make a self-assessment, or question the validity of your emotions as well. But believe me, that was never a conscious experiment from my side. I was never testing you or scrutinizing your credibility. It is just what I am made of. Your affinity towards the minute details of behavioral discrepancies makes life tougher. Yes I understand that expectations are innate. It is quite a psychologically demanding task to mold your expectations on the basis of someone else's behavior. But you could at least draw a line for your own good. You could at least spot the unease I feel, or at least my reluctance with making lengthy elaborations. I don't say you didn't adjust, but clearly it was something that kept eating you all along and I didn't want you to go through that. It is not that I am never bothered. I am, and rightly so. But again, being bothered doesn't mean I have to assemble words just for the sake of letting you know. I even did that quite a few times. But on top of everything I expect you to make a sane observation of reality and use it to fight the anxiety that unsettles you. I believe you are capable of that, and even if I wanted to assist you, I would always be short of words and any effort would always seem futile.


You are important to me. I can't say as important as I am to you because you know, importance isn't a relative term. And it isn't a word with an expressible magnitude in itself. Importance is a feeling that develops inside your brain and maybe grows under constant nourishment. It is not a reward either. If you are important to me, it is because I have a certain sort of attachment with you. I don't think I need to justify your importance by exposing my feelings or reciprocating your humility. I let you know at times and I guess that is simply enough. But maybe you don't approve, since you believe in expressing, being vocal, and communicate more than often with your emotional core. I know you feel undervalued most of the time, but maybe it's just down to the fact that both of us have our own definitions for the word "importance".


May be it is the gender that is an issue at times. You value hopes and I value assurance. You are convergent and I am the exact opposite. You prioritize the destination (state of togetherness) and I value the journey we walk through. You are frustrated by the occasional shrewdness of time, and I am worried about the sustainability of emotions. You don't want to realize or understand how everything fades with time. Colored fabrics fade and lose their colors. That is the reason why we have different shades. I like it when we talk. I like it when sometimes, you understand me like no one else. It is a pleasure having you in my life. But I always wonder why is it that you are constantly obsessed with “exclusiveness”. It makes life tougher for both of us.


My feelings are what I have in my mind, they're independent of whatever that's going on around. That's the reason they are called "my feelings". I could hear your complaints and woes, but talking about them in conjunction with my feelings would be so trivial. I get quieted sometimes when I feel I might get crushed under your expectations. That might look to you as an evasion but it certainly is my own struggle or a row with my limitations. I am still a learner, a simple woman with her own idiosyncrasies that aren't as lucid or legible up until now. For some reasons, I am in a constant struggle with myself and I have always wanted you to understand the fact, if not my struggles. "Nice" might be the simplest word that describes the meaning it holds but it is also the most beautiful word that exists (that describes the meaning). You are "nice". I always hope you would use your wisdom and not act impulsive whenever you relate me to the events that occur. I hope you understand being together or being separate are just the arrangement of two souls, and it isn't the most important thing around. It is always good being two happy souls apart than being two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl ; together yet lost.

Regards