Anecdote of a grin

                    

                                                  

                                                        ANECDOTE OF A GRIN

The grin emanates from deep within myself. The grin, that may remind some people of a Texas guy on shroom, or another yank on acid, some drunk one who just needs a sip of a low alcohol content drink to get drunk, or as strange it may seem, like an Asian from the north east whose primary image to anyone strikes as someone always in a grin mode. Unconditional and instinctive grins could well appear adorable, but only when they are not confined to solitude, or say when someone is on his own and someone else is there to witness it and actually call it adorable. It may well be embarrassing. But either way, no one would dislike their own unanticipated, unconditional grins. That’s a truth.

Well, I shall talk about mine. I often smile unconditionally, when I am strolling through a text, scrolling my inbox or my chat history. Sometimes in the middle of the night, half asleep, half awake. Sometimes when I’m browsing my old textbooks and notes when I suddenly find something from the past. Sometimes I find myself smiling at my stupidity in the past, sometimes on my immaturity in assessing those circumstances that now seem embarrassing, and so on. And amidst all those causative agents (though it isn’t a pathological condition :D), there exists the strongest one.

And the strongest one is of course a living creature and all other electronic forms of that creature.

Think about this. What happens when you watch a picture of someone smiling? If the person on the picture was looking at the camera lens while being filmed, it is obvious you’ll get the feeling that the person is looking at you. You know that it’s not possible (obviously) but the feeling still prevails, that’s what makes looking at pictures fun, and a more lively feeling. In fact, the entire concept of photography could well be summed up as living or reliving memories and events without even being a part of them for most of the time.

There are some people in your life who no matter what, are always beyond explanations in terms of your attachment to them. You may not have literally met them even once, you might not have seen them at all and you may well be confined to just talks and words and never had approached each other in the real world. But they are always collateral to the best feelings that reside in your brains. Truly speaking, attachment becomes a redundant issue because they may not be those whom you feel the most emotionally secure with, or share a lot of you or expect them to understand you or understand them yourself. There are those whom you have least complains with (or hardly any complains at all), and since with the level of attachment they have with you, you aren’t expected to be subjected to ill treatment from them that makes them more adorable. As a matter of fact, this entire attachment thing holds true for a person whom you give quite a lot of space in your life, intentionally or instinctively. Either way, these people become the reflection of what you want to see in a person whom you genuinely want to get attached with.Whether it be my tendency or my compulsive disorder or merely the strange rush of positivity she inoculates into my subconscious self, I always feel the urge to grin whenever I watch her smile(in photographs that is). Maybe I am just reciprocating or empathizing her, but that’s one of the most vibrant, vivid and lively reaction that comes out of me and makes it all worthwhile. This entire text from the beginning has always been about the grin I can’t help, or the grin that makes me feel joyous and lively. And that grin, in fact, is an indicator of all the other scintillating emotions that spark within me.

She has that touch of ignition that lights up the dark corners where my lows reside. She’s enriched with luminosity. Not literally may be, but relating to the delight she diffuses into my mind time and again, I can may well buy that as a truth. I stare at her, realizing the value of all the time that has passed by, how she has been a gravity to my plummeting randomness (to have never realized that people could be valued and still not affect your expectations), the steadiness of my behavior that allows me to think altruistic at times (that too, without caring about the stakes and returns).

I relate her memories to the saddest of songs sometimes. Watch some movies all over again and feel the emotions by adding her to a specific content. And even when the story might seem a little depressing or whatever, the grin still reiterates. I smile most of the time as a non-programmed response to the vanity of her existence itself. Sometimes, her mere existence becomes so important, it apparently rules out all the woes that come along. Like the woes of not having her around (for even a glimpse), or not having her voice up in my head, or not having the exact feeling that I truly and honestly expect from her. The grin remains as intact as it is regardless of everything else.

The unrequited feeling resonates inside my head when I listen to those melancholic Radiohead tracks or some really spine chilling Pink Floyd solos. I even have brief moments of awkward discomfort and anxiety. Sometimes I would just lie in my bed with my eyes closed, thinking about nothing yet drowned in that strange melancholy. Her presence is felt with something intangible. An omnipresent stuff like darkness. Not a thing of absolute existence but rather an absence of something (just as the dark is the absence of light and the cold is the absence of heat). I feel sleepless apparently with no reason but with only that intangible existence of a benign despair. But amazingly, it is only the positives that keep me occupied for most of the time. And again I somehow ironically show an adhesion to the brighter side of the things.

Often I would stroll her pictures and have a brief moment of self-discussion- She looks good in green, she looks better in blue, maybe black and so forth. And then I go like, “Well screw it, she’s the best my eyes can ever see and affirm”. Maybe not the most beautiful women around, but there’s no other image my eyes could ever figure out and my brain would process and infer that she’s the one most pleasing to my brains. And the result is again, an instantaneous grin. It might well be the grin that holds me and never cuts me loose. Most of the time, I forget about the possibilities and probabilities and the HOWs and the WH-s. That fear of everything ending in futility hardly seems to be gripping my senses. I keep imagining the divine, the lovely, and the soothing.

The Limerence (though this is rather a word best described for a pair) type feeling might prevail sometimes. As they say, “Hope is a good thing. Maybe best of things. And no good thing ever dies” .And therefore, her presence is the only reason how I never have any complaints from the inadequacy of the reciprocity. I hope to be requited once for all I care. One of those days when she fails to respond to my queries, and remain in some kind of hibernation and seem to virtually ignore my presence, the feeling is a disappointment. I, instead of inferring it as a contempt and feeling agonized, tend to release the disappointment with fair ease and leave myself unhurt. Everything is explainable and everything is logical when you all you seem to care about is the positives.

Well, I somehow realize the inevitable truth. When what matters to you is the entirety of a person and the positive inclination they have towards your ability to refrain from the turbulence (your personal attachment and the relation is often subjected to), the behavioral discrepancies gradually vanish and some kind of strange attachment appears and subsequently replaces it. This new found attachment is strange in a sense that its magnitude is unknown. Its impacts are less detrimental (or no detrimental at all). You can expect the world from them and still not feel terrible or agonized when the expectations aren’t met. At some points I think that this might work in every other relationship. But since it surely doesn’t there’s an inspiring side to this thing.

You long for people even though they aren’t your closest, you wish they were around when they actually can never be. You love them for their good (since they hardly do anything to disappoint or infuriate you). You cannot ask anything from them but you cannot “not have” some feelings for them. Strangely, they could well be your closest ones after all, even though you may never realize it. They are those ones who would at least give anything and try their best to be there when you wish they were. Those people will always make you smile and probably feel the same themselves. Whenever they think of you, they would always have that “grin” in their faces. Strange, awkward at times, but they would surely be having a “grin” when you are the subject of concern, regardless of wherever they are and at whatever conditions. Always, with a priceless grin!!